Independence Day

i've arrived. i wondered many times...if i'd ever make it here. i wondered, what it would be like. i wondered more importantly how it would feel. TODAY makes A YEAR since he left...there i said it. i never thought that Independence would ever come to mean MY Independence. not so much Independence of my feelings as all ive done this past year is live in my feelings. MY Independence is more a freedom of pain, disbelief & shock. tears might still come & go b/c it does still sting & that is ok because through that all i am HERE!

HERE & NOW...TODAY...ive learned far more than i ever imagined in ONE SHORT YEAR! A YEAR after all is NOT so brief. and as days pass...things fall more into place...mainly my feelings & thoughts. A YEAR AGO...my world crumbled as i watched the person i have loved like no other...leave. the pain i felt is still till today...indescribable! for months i couldn't BREATH. but there is no pain that doesn't come w/o a lesson. the truth is...i have learned alot!

this blog for me started out as a way to vent about my feelings. i had so many thoughts & emotions...i needed a place to put those thoughts so as not drive my friends NUTS (though i am sure i did). i prayed about it b/c exposing myself with something so delicate was not easy. i decided to be like Nike & Do It! in sharing my personal pain...i learned by many people, who reached out to me after reading my posts...that DIVORCE is in fact a DEATH! each time someone called me, texted me, emailed me & shared their experience...i cried & my heart broke! each of those people...made me stronger!

DIVORCE is in fact NOT a broken heart! DIVORCE means that a family dies! A vow, a promise is...IRRETRIEVABLY BROKEN. What does THAT mean...well oddly there is no definition for it! But in essence it means that IT cannot be fixed! Those 2 words were very painful for me to hear the day of my divorce hearing & I heard it over & over again as I watched many families die. Then came my turn & I barely made it to the podium to join the masses in saying that too my family was dead!

DIVORCE takes with it the many innocent bystanders...the kids, your friends, the extended family. ALL the people who were there to cheer you on suffer as a result of this condition. For me it has been like an illness...which has required MUCH intervention & treatment! But like with all illnesses...there is prevention.

Fortunately, I am NOT irretrievably broken. amidst the many tears i have shed...ive smiled & embraced each & every moment of carrying my cross. this IS my scarlet letter & i wear it humbly and with grace. this will be something that will stay with me forever because it has emerged me NEW!

as Whiteny Houston says in her song: "thought it would be the end of me...i thought id never make it through...i thought i would break...i didnt know my own strength...i crashed down & tumbled but i did not crumble...i got through all the pain...i didnt know my own strength...survived my darkest hour...my FAITH kept me alive..."

ive never really considered myself a STRONG person...still dont. lately, though that word has come up frequently. when my mom was diagnosed with cancer...i was nervous & somewhat afraid. yet still my soul was at peace. then i realized...my scarlet letter made strong to endure this. my scarlet letter made me more faithful to endure this. and in the middle of the whirlwind of those weeks...i stood silent, still, hopefuly & faithful! God did not fail me!

be strong & of good courage; be not afraid, neither dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9

so today i am happy...happy because i see that i was courageous to love. i was courageous to face my biggest fear & insecurity. i trusted God to walk me through the valley of darkness knowing He would guide me. i reached out to my community & allowed for them to breath for me when i forgot to. i learned to see my frogs & lizards as rainbows & flowers. i am sure there is still alot i have left to learn from this journey but i wouldn't change a thing. i am right where i need to be.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." -Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

and i own my love for him. i am no longer trying to "shake it off". he is not who broke my heart but who made me better so i could endure the path that i am to take tomorrow. for that i am grateful. as i am grateful to all the people who during this journey have inspired, encouraged, taught me, motivated me & carried me.

ive heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason...bringing something we must learn & we are led to those who help us most grow...if we let them & we help them in return...i dont know if i believe that is true...but i know i am who i am today...because i knew you.-Wicked, The Musical