a stroll down Memory lane

within the last month i have taken a stroll down several old streets…in my mind. some of the strolls made for nudges on things still be resolved. other strolls have simply been for clarification. it's funny how sometimes, in our lives HIStory can in fact repeat itself! thankfully i've embraced my past & i am proud of ME! this past month gave me moments of "looking back"!

the first stroll came in the way of a soft whisper...a reminder that i still have unresolved business...the kind that not even a bonfire could take care of. as i begin a new year...a new chapter in my life...i was reminded that while i am Divorced...i am still not yet...Voided. my Annulment had been an affair that i much preferred to let soak...for many reasons. among the many reasons, one of them was the one that seems to be most common for most people, it is emotionally & mentally draining. for me, however, it was also confusing.

the confusion came from many places. back then, it was a “why & how did we get here?” now, my confusion is different…it’s more of a “why did i even get married? what was i thinking?”…”what a mess”. this latter has caused me to feel a little bothered with myself. bothered because i realize i could’ve avoided all the grief & suffering i endured. BUT then i realize that if it weren’t for the grief & suffering, i wouldn’t have grown…mentally, emotionally & spiritually. and if i hadn’t suffered, i wouldn’t understand what THIS…a DIVORCEE feels like. i wouldn’t be writing my blog & I wouldn’t have been able to understand the many people that have come my way to share their stories of DIVORCE & how it affected them.

so I go forward feeling “uncomfortable” with this process knowing that like my other growing pains, this too will allow for more growth. recently, i was told that the process of an Annulment is the most intense & thorough Examination of Conscious one could have…THAT is no joke. there is no doubt that this is another growth spurt. physically, i may always stand at 5 feet or maybe 5’1” but my soul is far bigger & taller. substance lies within me.

my next stroll allowed me to tap into the memory of where i was last year…emotionally & spiritually. as I prepare to share a piece of “story”, i recall how far i have come in a year. i don’t think we ever really notice how quickly TIME goes by & how we feel that TIME just SEEMS to stand still. at my worst moments, i felt that TIME could not go faster. at times, i did not think that i would ever be able to pull away from feeling so sad.

one year later, i am UNSAD. i am HAPPY. i have learned. i am still a work in progress. i am HIS masterpiece with delicately intricate parts. some parts may not seem to make sense…to the world…BUT to HIM they are each perfect & with purpose.

HIStory never repeats itself…or so we are told. i have been privileged to have a piece of my HIStory repeat itself. i hope my HIStory truly serves HIS purpose for me & that i do HIM justice. indeed this is HERstory…dictated by HIS will.

i read this the other day: “your mess will become your MESSAGE. your test will become your TESTIMONY”. so as for this blondie, i go forward owning my MESS, overcoming my TESTS & making what is before me oh so good!