lessons are to live & learn
it's funny how things work out, sometimes. in an unexpected turn of events...i found myself in a very interesting conversation last week. i will repeat that while i am better...some people around me still need healing. i've talked about it in prior blog posts...the more time passes, the more comfortable people around me feel in sharing their thoughts about my marriage & subsequent divorce.
i realize that in fact my happiness was something that many people were invested in & my demise, of sorts, also affected many. i don't think i have yet encountered all the innocent bystanders that fell along with me. last week , i encountered yet another...this one was unexpected.
i like to think that i am most mindful about not hurting people's feelings. i try my best to guard my words, though sometimes, that is not always possible. i recognize that often times, this "guard" keeps me from expressing myself. passing a turn at expressing my feelings does not come easy but i oblige under these circumstances.
when i know that people have been hurt at my expense, or sometimes not directly at my expense...it saddens me. i am more saddened, when i can't shield loved ones from the pain. but i also realize...through my experience...that pain sometimes is good & necessary.
so my conversation went something like this:
loved one: i wanted so many times to call you & tell you what you were up against but i didn't think it was my place. many times i wanted to tell you all that i knew & tell you to not do it (marry). many times i wanted to tell you to just leave, walk out, walk away. i felt/feel guilty because i felt/feel that maybe i could've changed the outcome of what happened.
i quickly, blurted out: it's okay. nothing you or anyone else said could have changed what happened. i would've done it all the same. this was my lesson to learn from. i needed to learn this lesson...this way.
and as the conversation came to an end with many other words exchanged, for a brief moment, i thought to myself...would knowing have changed anything? would uncovering the "truth" then change the outcome now? could i have avoided the pain?
i decided that in order to learn we have to fully live the lessons.
i realize that in fact my happiness was something that many people were invested in & my demise, of sorts, also affected many. i don't think i have yet encountered all the innocent bystanders that fell along with me. last week , i encountered yet another...this one was unexpected.
i like to think that i am most mindful about not hurting people's feelings. i try my best to guard my words, though sometimes, that is not always possible. i recognize that often times, this "guard" keeps me from expressing myself. passing a turn at expressing my feelings does not come easy but i oblige under these circumstances.
when i know that people have been hurt at my expense, or sometimes not directly at my expense...it saddens me. i am more saddened, when i can't shield loved ones from the pain. but i also realize...through my experience...that pain sometimes is good & necessary.
so my conversation went something like this:
loved one: i wanted so many times to call you & tell you what you were up against but i didn't think it was my place. many times i wanted to tell you all that i knew & tell you to not do it (marry). many times i wanted to tell you to just leave, walk out, walk away. i felt/feel guilty because i felt/feel that maybe i could've changed the outcome of what happened.
i quickly, blurted out: it's okay. nothing you or anyone else said could have changed what happened. i would've done it all the same. this was my lesson to learn from. i needed to learn this lesson...this way.
and as the conversation came to an end with many other words exchanged, for a brief moment, i thought to myself...would knowing have changed anything? would uncovering the "truth" then change the outcome now? could i have avoided the pain?
i decided that in order to learn we have to fully live the lessons.
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