a visit from an "old friend"
it goes without saying that just as you begin to gain your "confidence"...something knocks you off your feet. i have been doing pretty well in my "recovery process". i've been happy, smiling & just satisfied with where i am. i've opened myself to the possibility of dating again...something that i didnt think id' be open to at this point. i am looking forward to the next phase of my journey yet still nervous.
i've accepted my past & embraced it. that is NOT to be mistaken with being "happy" about it or feeling "good" about it BUT it is what it is. i still cringe at hearing the word DIVORCE. i am still saddened when i hear that another family has died. i don't know that it will ever be "normal" for me to hear it. there is something too personal for me in it. i don't think society should feel "normal" about it either.
i still pray for guidance about what i am to do with this situation that i endured....i feel that beyond this being a learning experience or a platform for me to step on to the next level...i am to do more with it...i've yet to receive the "sign". what i do know is that He keeps me real...reminding me of where i was.
this past month has been quite odd for me...some of my old "friends"...my "not so happy" emotions have stopped by. i've been "jerk around" a bit. i've had nightmares...pretty vivid ones. i usually dont dream. both times i woke up in hysteria crying...INTENSE emotion.
for the 1st time since the divorce i felt "out of place". i attended a function recently & found that my emotions were in a mix. i was thrilled for my friends as welcoming a new family member is a blessing. personally i felt sad...i felt that somehow, somewhere...i was "off course". as i looked around at my girlfriends & listened to them talk about their lives...that feeling of FAILURE which i had not felt in a while...creeped in. i hurried myself back to reality.
recently, i was placed in contact with someone else who sadly is also going through this... death of sorts. my heart broke for her & her family. i was reminded of those early phases & stages of uncertainty & grief. those initial phases of intense emotions. i found myself repeating to her what was often told to me...give yourself TIME!
i've also been reminded that we all cope differently. my road has been different than the road my ex-husband took...neither is right OR wrong...they simply are. he has proceeded with his life...as it was before being married. he has gone back to his "old self" & what he knows best. knowing that has helped me.
INDEED this is a HEALING process. TIME is limitless. TIME is different for each of us. being GENTLE (i mentioned this in a previous post) is IMPORTANT...but this TIME i realize that we also have to be GENTLE with ourselves.
today as i spoke with a fellow colleague via phone...as we began wrapping up our conversation she was trying to place my voice with my face so she says to me..."you're the one who got married like a year or 2 ago"...in the recent path i have had NO problem rectifying people & saying "i am divorced". somehow...i became paralized & all i managed to utter was "yeah that's me". she proceeds with "gosh how time flies". i just nodded "yes".
i hung up the phone with just enough time to start crying...make-up running...one HOT MESS! there it was...my reality! TIME did in fact fly...sometimes i wonder STILL NOW...how the heck did i get here. i still don't really know but the reality is that i did.
DIVORCE & the after effects are tough to overcome. they take TIME. they require MUCH self care. it is necessary & impertaive to surround yourself with people who will help you RISE you to the occasion when you FALL. FALLING is not a meaure of weakness but rather a testament to your humanity. CLING TO GOD, CLING TO YOUR FRIENDS, CLING HOPE....there is sunshine amidst the clouds.
Take it one day at a TIME...one BREATH at a TIME!
i've accepted my past & embraced it. that is NOT to be mistaken with being "happy" about it or feeling "good" about it BUT it is what it is. i still cringe at hearing the word DIVORCE. i am still saddened when i hear that another family has died. i don't know that it will ever be "normal" for me to hear it. there is something too personal for me in it. i don't think society should feel "normal" about it either.
i still pray for guidance about what i am to do with this situation that i endured....i feel that beyond this being a learning experience or a platform for me to step on to the next level...i am to do more with it...i've yet to receive the "sign". what i do know is that He keeps me real...reminding me of where i was.
this past month has been quite odd for me...some of my old "friends"...my "not so happy" emotions have stopped by. i've been "jerk around" a bit. i've had nightmares...pretty vivid ones. i usually dont dream. both times i woke up in hysteria crying...INTENSE emotion.
for the 1st time since the divorce i felt "out of place". i attended a function recently & found that my emotions were in a mix. i was thrilled for my friends as welcoming a new family member is a blessing. personally i felt sad...i felt that somehow, somewhere...i was "off course". as i looked around at my girlfriends & listened to them talk about their lives...that feeling of FAILURE which i had not felt in a while...creeped in. i hurried myself back to reality.
recently, i was placed in contact with someone else who sadly is also going through this... death of sorts. my heart broke for her & her family. i was reminded of those early phases & stages of uncertainty & grief. those initial phases of intense emotions. i found myself repeating to her what was often told to me...give yourself TIME!
i've also been reminded that we all cope differently. my road has been different than the road my ex-husband took...neither is right OR wrong...they simply are. he has proceeded with his life...as it was before being married. he has gone back to his "old self" & what he knows best. knowing that has helped me.
INDEED this is a HEALING process. TIME is limitless. TIME is different for each of us. being GENTLE (i mentioned this in a previous post) is IMPORTANT...but this TIME i realize that we also have to be GENTLE with ourselves.
today as i spoke with a fellow colleague via phone...as we began wrapping up our conversation she was trying to place my voice with my face so she says to me..."you're the one who got married like a year or 2 ago"...in the recent path i have had NO problem rectifying people & saying "i am divorced". somehow...i became paralized & all i managed to utter was "yeah that's me". she proceeds with "gosh how time flies". i just nodded "yes".
i hung up the phone with just enough time to start crying...make-up running...one HOT MESS! there it was...my reality! TIME did in fact fly...sometimes i wonder STILL NOW...how the heck did i get here. i still don't really know but the reality is that i did.
DIVORCE & the after effects are tough to overcome. they take TIME. they require MUCH self care. it is necessary & impertaive to surround yourself with people who will help you RISE you to the occasion when you FALL. FALLING is not a meaure of weakness but rather a testament to your humanity. CLING TO GOD, CLING TO YOUR FRIENDS, CLING HOPE....there is sunshine amidst the clouds.
Take it one day at a TIME...one BREATH at a TIME!
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