Breath...
in an effort to keep my sanity during this process, i've tried a holistic approach to my healing. thanks to a friend, i've been attending monthly acupuncture sessions. they have been quite helpful & insightful. i truly believe that this coupled with my typical "western medicine" approach, meditation, prayers & support...i still am able to smile. i've even started laughing my my gut. one of the most interesting things i have learned during this process came in the form of me laying in the acupuncture table. as i lay there in complete stillness fearful of the prick of the needle...i heard them say to me "you stopped breathing, you've gotta remember to breath". as i sat there eyes closed, practically lifeless...i thought...BREATHING! could i really NOT be breathing?!?
i'm now in month 4 of being divorced. progress has been made...somewhat. i'm still crying...from my soul. i've voiced the "D" words a little more in public. that's always a blow. hearing the word come out of my mouth still provides a chill. humility has come in the form of accepting the demise of my family. it's also come in the form of having to "see" what i feared the most...that maybe in fact i was the only blind one who believed. often i classify myself as mistrusting of others. i guess not so much when i entrusted my entire life to someone else despite what was obvious to others.
it seems that as people see me getting "better" they feel a lil more comfortable in sharing their feelings of what was, my marriage. i can appreciate the harsh honesty, it keeps me grounded & focused. it also though, breaks me just a lil, each time. internally, i am better but it's easier to make the outside "look" better. so with each harsh reality, i am shaken. so it goes that most people "saw" that my marriage might not succeed. was i really that blind to be the only one who trusted it would work??? it appears so. not breathing & blind...NOT good.
i've put off moving to the next stage of this journey (the annulment) still hopeful. i do believe in miracles. i mainly put it off because he asked me to. i thought/hoped that this request meant that maybe despite the divorce, our family still stood a chance. divorce means the legal bond is irretrievably broken, HOWEVER, the MARRIAGE is still recognized. so in essence legally we're not married but our marriage existed. in my eyes...we were married despite the legal divorce because our church marriage (what mattered to me the most) was still valid. so i've hesitated in moving forward.
annulment means that your marriage is declared void. it NEVER existed. pretty harsh. during this process of accepting my divorce, i've often tried to defend why i chose to get married, despite the many warnings i got before "jumping in". i think i've found myself defending my decision because i had to believe that this...my marriage...was not a farce. taking the leap into an annulment meant that i had to now change my way of coping. i had to now open my eyes to see the most painful truths of all...it should've never been...better yet...it never really was. the hope i had that my family still stood a chance, has become in recent months...a ghost. it has become quite apparent to me that he, is in fact no longer mine. under this new coping theory...he never was. he still lingers occasionally in my life...only to remind me that i was in fact, blind.
so i fearfully scheduled my appt to begin the next step....the "A" word. no, i haven't been breathing. but i have been seeing. the week leading up this appt has been long & arduous. i've cried, nothing new. 've lost sleep, this is new. i've been on the verge of getting physically sick. all courtesy of my impending appt. those who "know me" understand that i believe NOTHING is coincidence. i truly believe that God/the universe/whatever you want to call it speaks to us daily...minute by minute. to this i am NOT blind or deaf...though sometimes i wish i were.
the day before my appt...a call from him. calls from him no longer ring true to the sound of hope. they ring more to the sound of pain. pain in my heart that all he wants is something, anything...but not me...not his family. i see now. truly the call was about something he wanted...truly it was not his family. sad but expectant of that reality...now. as the call came in, i thought...what kind of twisted sense of humor is that, Lord. u send me him the eve of this appt...WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? in that moment, came to mind a phrase that a dear friend (recent friend who doesn't "really know me") has repeated to me many times throughout this process "the moment you decide who you ARE, who you are NOT reveals itself." in fact, i would go forward NOW that i can see.
the morning of my appt arrived. i get a call alluding to the need to have to re-schedule my appt. i cringed as i heard that. re-schedule??? oh no, i couldn't get the nerve do this all over a 2nd time. i politely asked not to be re-scheduled. i was advised to be on time otherwise i would not be seen. i rushed through traffic. in miami that is a mission. i made it on time, phew. ironically, i was made to wait. as i sat there looking my reality in the face i became aware that i wasn't breathing. as i begin to share with some the tribulations leading to this day & now there i was waiting...i get winded again. i become conscious that this is in fact MY journey & that despite the support & understanding others can provide...they never really do "understand". after all we all have our own set of eyes. i was reminded that the very people you think "know you" are in fact the ones who "know you", the least. DEEP Breath.
as i walk out of the meeting, i begin filling out paperwork. i decided to check up on my tithing envelopes. i haven't received them in some time. i'm asked to provide the name they last came under, so i do. it was of course my married name. the name is nowhere to be found. says to me the person behind the counter (who is also assisting me in filling out the annulment papers)...that name has vanished, much like your marriage. BAM, POW, PLOP! i stopped breathing...again.
the reflections today were about demolition in order to begin renovation. ive felt beaten, dragged down, lifeless...but hmm...demolished. i had never really thought of it in that context. feels right though. i am destroyed...in pieces. i am trying to pick up the pieces but some no longer fit quite right. intact only remains my Faith. this process has shaken me to my core.
february is the month where people express their love. love by definition is an emotion of strong affection & personal attachment, it's an action based on compassion, love is unconditional. i read somewhere "when you love, you don't feel...you die to yourself so the other might live". all quite powerful & strong. yet somehow, somewhere those meanings get lost when the butterflies & rainbows are gone. love is an action & sadly in broken marriages, like mine, one or both parties have failed to recognize this. i had learned to look at my lizards & frogs as butterflies & rainbows.
"love is fragile and we are not always its best caretakers...we muddle though this & hope it makes it through...against all odds." i did in fact, love against all odds. i hoped we'd make it. but i was alone in my marriage. a marriage is a physical, mental, spiritual union of 2 souls. 2 souls who become 1 to stand together against the odds.
it never was...i now await to begin the next process...in the meantime...i gotta keep reminding myself to "breath"
i'm now in month 4 of being divorced. progress has been made...somewhat. i'm still crying...from my soul. i've voiced the "D" words a little more in public. that's always a blow. hearing the word come out of my mouth still provides a chill. humility has come in the form of accepting the demise of my family. it's also come in the form of having to "see" what i feared the most...that maybe in fact i was the only blind one who believed. often i classify myself as mistrusting of others. i guess not so much when i entrusted my entire life to someone else despite what was obvious to others.
it seems that as people see me getting "better" they feel a lil more comfortable in sharing their feelings of what was, my marriage. i can appreciate the harsh honesty, it keeps me grounded & focused. it also though, breaks me just a lil, each time. internally, i am better but it's easier to make the outside "look" better. so with each harsh reality, i am shaken. so it goes that most people "saw" that my marriage might not succeed. was i really that blind to be the only one who trusted it would work??? it appears so. not breathing & blind...NOT good.
i've put off moving to the next stage of this journey (the annulment) still hopeful. i do believe in miracles. i mainly put it off because he asked me to. i thought/hoped that this request meant that maybe despite the divorce, our family still stood a chance. divorce means the legal bond is irretrievably broken, HOWEVER, the MARRIAGE is still recognized. so in essence legally we're not married but our marriage existed. in my eyes...we were married despite the legal divorce because our church marriage (what mattered to me the most) was still valid. so i've hesitated in moving forward.
annulment means that your marriage is declared void. it NEVER existed. pretty harsh. during this process of accepting my divorce, i've often tried to defend why i chose to get married, despite the many warnings i got before "jumping in". i think i've found myself defending my decision because i had to believe that this...my marriage...was not a farce. taking the leap into an annulment meant that i had to now change my way of coping. i had to now open my eyes to see the most painful truths of all...it should've never been...better yet...it never really was. the hope i had that my family still stood a chance, has become in recent months...a ghost. it has become quite apparent to me that he, is in fact no longer mine. under this new coping theory...he never was. he still lingers occasionally in my life...only to remind me that i was in fact, blind.
so i fearfully scheduled my appt to begin the next step....the "A" word. no, i haven't been breathing. but i have been seeing. the week leading up this appt has been long & arduous. i've cried, nothing new. 've lost sleep, this is new. i've been on the verge of getting physically sick. all courtesy of my impending appt. those who "know me" understand that i believe NOTHING is coincidence. i truly believe that God/the universe/whatever you want to call it speaks to us daily...minute by minute. to this i am NOT blind or deaf...though sometimes i wish i were.
the day before my appt...a call from him. calls from him no longer ring true to the sound of hope. they ring more to the sound of pain. pain in my heart that all he wants is something, anything...but not me...not his family. i see now. truly the call was about something he wanted...truly it was not his family. sad but expectant of that reality...now. as the call came in, i thought...what kind of twisted sense of humor is that, Lord. u send me him the eve of this appt...WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? in that moment, came to mind a phrase that a dear friend (recent friend who doesn't "really know me") has repeated to me many times throughout this process "the moment you decide who you ARE, who you are NOT reveals itself." in fact, i would go forward NOW that i can see.
the morning of my appt arrived. i get a call alluding to the need to have to re-schedule my appt. i cringed as i heard that. re-schedule??? oh no, i couldn't get the nerve do this all over a 2nd time. i politely asked not to be re-scheduled. i was advised to be on time otherwise i would not be seen. i rushed through traffic. in miami that is a mission. i made it on time, phew. ironically, i was made to wait. as i sat there looking my reality in the face i became aware that i wasn't breathing. as i begin to share with some the tribulations leading to this day & now there i was waiting...i get winded again. i become conscious that this is in fact MY journey & that despite the support & understanding others can provide...they never really do "understand". after all we all have our own set of eyes. i was reminded that the very people you think "know you" are in fact the ones who "know you", the least. DEEP Breath.
as i walk out of the meeting, i begin filling out paperwork. i decided to check up on my tithing envelopes. i haven't received them in some time. i'm asked to provide the name they last came under, so i do. it was of course my married name. the name is nowhere to be found. says to me the person behind the counter (who is also assisting me in filling out the annulment papers)...that name has vanished, much like your marriage. BAM, POW, PLOP! i stopped breathing...again.
the reflections today were about demolition in order to begin renovation. ive felt beaten, dragged down, lifeless...but hmm...demolished. i had never really thought of it in that context. feels right though. i am destroyed...in pieces. i am trying to pick up the pieces but some no longer fit quite right. intact only remains my Faith. this process has shaken me to my core.
february is the month where people express their love. love by definition is an emotion of strong affection & personal attachment, it's an action based on compassion, love is unconditional. i read somewhere "when you love, you don't feel...you die to yourself so the other might live". all quite powerful & strong. yet somehow, somewhere those meanings get lost when the butterflies & rainbows are gone. love is an action & sadly in broken marriages, like mine, one or both parties have failed to recognize this. i had learned to look at my lizards & frogs as butterflies & rainbows.
"love is fragile and we are not always its best caretakers...we muddle though this & hope it makes it through...against all odds." i did in fact, love against all odds. i hoped we'd make it. but i was alone in my marriage. a marriage is a physical, mental, spiritual union of 2 souls. 2 souls who become 1 to stand together against the odds.
it never was...i now await to begin the next process...in the meantime...i gotta keep reminding myself to "breath"
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